Feeling alone

I’ve purposely surrounded myself with people who say they love me and want me to be happy. Then why do I feel like they’re walking the fine line of wanting me to be happy and needing me to make them happy. I don’t trust a single person. I’m stuck in a relationship where I want to have sex, but the other party want different, cuddly, type of sex. I just want someone who actually enjoys pleasing me. They say, do you enjoy pleasing her? That’s not what I want! I want someone who likes sucking and all the other ways of pleasing someone. Why’s it always come down to, “give to get” bs. I categorize people and need to lI’ve in MY reality, not yours. I need someone who I can have coffee with, them another for sex, not the same person. I need one at home who’s sweet and controlling, but another one to go down on me. There’s a problem and I don’t accept that it’s always my messed up brain causing the problems. Half the time, I want another guy, I keep myself feeling safe by having meaningless sexual encounters from people who can’t hurt me. I know it’s not the “norm”, but it’s the only way for me to be happy. So instead of being happy, I’m sad. I’m sad that no one wants me. What’s worse is that everyone wants me. I’m semetrical and fit, so I’m hit-on all the time. But I’m broken and could never allow someone that close again. For now, I’ll just keep thinking about death, wishing for it to come sooner than later.

-Ronin