Ronin - Splitting

How I control my Borderline Personality

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Tonight, I had a podcast on while cleaning the dishes. I thought to myself, have I just been putting out complete garbage? Don’t get me wrong, I understand there’s always a percentage of people who don’t like my writing. This was more of an internal question, a ponderance, a coming to truth question. I would like to present myself, I’m Ronin. Over the last few weeks leading up to Father’s Day, I’ve had to split for a minute. Thus, my writing may have been a little… dark. I want to apologize to you, however, I honestly cannot. I promised myself I wouldn’t. I tend to over think things; emphatically so. I spent time with my loved ones over the weekend, which I have to make special arrangements for; unrelated to my diagnosis – ironically. I feel back to normal, that is until I split or disassociate; I believe the latter is next in rotation. See, I believe there to be some sort of cycle of peaks and lows. After a lot of internalizing and working on my inner-self. I noticed patterns, not far from how I operate in my day-to-day. My daily routine consists of establishing an identity for that day, more of a “how do you feel” kind of way. Through music or mantra, or just going with the flow, I find a peaceful balance of self. Then I’m ready to speak to people in an honestly deceptive manner. If that makes any sense.

Ronin pdx - Faces of Portland

I noticed the difference, mainly today. I specifically remember driving up to a stopped car, behind several other cars, at a red-stop light. I thought I was coming up a little too fast, but only a matter of uncomfortable versus controllable. I came to a nice smooth stop without jostling back and forth. All was good, so I thought. A few seconds pass by and the driver started eye-fucking me in their side mirror. The passenger started looking back and then in front, then back again. Traffic started moving at this point and the car hesitated, leaving a rather large gap. I started to move up and the passenger turns and flips me off. Then the car break-checks me, keep in mind we’re doing about ten to fifteen miles per hour—and they didn’t even come to a complete stop. Anyway, we all progress at a slow pace, even the traffic next to us was noticing their odd behavior and slowed a little. Now the passenger is giving me the finger out of their window, as if I didn’t see them the first time. What with all their stupid fucking hats in the back window of a car I assume they just fucking got, thanks to the shitty tape-job of a temporary tag. No, screw them…

So, throughout this little fiasco, I’m not aggressive in any way. In fact, I was noticing the negative effects of the adrenaline rush. I figured it was a mix of not eating, drinking a few cups of coffee, and not walking anywhere was the overall cause. You get no cardio driving, despite what your app tells you. However, I realized I wasn’t in a berserker mode. I was tactfully assessing how to kill him if things got out of hand-yes. But, I live a life unlike most, I guess. I’m guessing you do as well.

Back to writing. I love writing, I crave it now that I’ve seen the desperate need of an outlet. I can be my honest selves. This is the one true place I’m free and can exist without worry of… anything. I began this journey with the intension of writing the story of others. I flirted with notion to write a one-sided conversation over coffee, eh. Topics were draining to me and I felt like someone had me on autopilot. I just let the other driver take control. I focused on not focusing. Which I wonder if it may be causing some of my symptoms/negative coping. Despite, I had to do something, I knew I would feel better at some point. For however long this feeling lasts, I’m doing ok. I’m not 100%, but I have another trip coming up, and a few other stressors just over the horizon to get ready for.

Coping with the family.

I would say that I assist in raising a little boy that calls me dad. I’m trying to be the best role model I can be. I think about his mental health, his attitude, his conflict resolution skills, and more. I pay for rent and a few incidentals from here to there. I also pay child support for my baby that lives another few states away. It’s heartbreaking, truly crushing. I give this little boy everything I wish I could’ve given my own little, though I’m still in her life, her mother tries to keep me away.

More to come soon…

Please seek help if you are having any difficulties. My blog is not advice, it’s freedom of expression on my personal life. In my blog you will see many phone numbers, easily Google-able, for mental health assistance and other services.