Parenting - Borderline Parenting

Ronin PDX - Faces of Portland

To my dearest daughter.

I write this to you while laying beside you while you sleep. We just finished reading a book about a Grumpy Cat and halfway through Cinderella before you fell asleep on my chest. You're dressed in a pink, yet simple, princess dress that's more of a nightgown than anything. As I write this to you, I can see your body moving with each precious breath you take. Tears are welling fast in my eyes. I'm bursting with love and held back emotions. I can easily say that I've never loved someone so strongly as I do about you. I cherish each and every second I have with you, and as you get older, I'm now 33 turning 34 (July 8th 2017), you’ll understand how each minute is very difficult to take knowing it's all just a countdown until I have to hand you back to your mom. (Pausing for intrusive tears). One day you'll ask why I wasn't around. This is the most difficult question I've ever been asked, even when I ask myself. The most political answer I can conjure up is that your mother and I were only meant to be together long enough to bring such a smart, kind, thoughtful, and beautiful, person into this world, but that would be the end of Robin’ and Brian’ adventures. I lie to myself constantly, I tell myself that it'll all be ok and you'll be safe and unharmed by this. But I know we only. Come better people by pain and anguish.

If I could give my life to make yours better and less painful, I'd do it in a heart beat. Anyone who knows me, truly knows me, understands the level of conviction I write those words in. Right now, your little hand moved onto of mine, the tears are too much to hold back, I'm sobbing in silence and power breathing as to not wake you. I love you so much Ava Madison Wood. Please be the person I hope you to be. Please be overwhelming calm and thoughtful to everyone and never live your life doing wrong. No matter what, you'll always have my lessons to learn from. That is my only honest gift I can give you. I can only record events now in hopes that you'll learn from them and be a better person. While I hear often that this is the goal for most parents, your Daddy doesn't take this lightly, for I've died a thousand times when you were taken from me. This is the pain that I bear, the one struggle above all; my loss of my most precious legacy and gift. My sweet Ava. I've been able to separate my thoughts from my physiological responses allowing me to think clearly and write freely, so I figured my painful talent is yours to learn from. I wanted so many things in life. I wanted to be a Doctor, though my early years weren't kind to a learning and loving environment and with a sufficient lack of confidence and drive helped turn that goal to a wish. I wanted to be a professional billiards player, for that too was dismayed due to the gravity of choices that did not create the needed environment to thrive. I wanted to be a Father, and feel that I've failed at that as well. Only in this moment am I filled with constant love and happiness. Though the amount of love in the World couldn't fill the void that was the result of your absence. Your nails, your skin, your little fingers and brilliant blue eyes… all the things I will think about on my death bed. If allowed, those will be the most precious thoughts to have before leaving this body. I love you so much my baby-girl. I want to protect you from everything. I want to take you away and bring you back home to Portland, with me. However, I cannot. I lack the courage needed to break these “man” made laws (women too), to face the penalties that your Grandfather faced for twelve years. I fear the day of truly leaving you, like the way my Mother, Father, and Brothers left me.

Please know that everyone will die as they had lived. This is the truth as I see it.

 I'm doing all that I can to change, everyday I strive to think differently and more positively so that one day, in the future, you'll return to me and see that I do deserve to have you in my life. That I am a good role model, that I'm a good person. I'm trying to set everything up so you'll have  the best future one could have. I'm saving, investing in stocks and IRAs, I only make $40,000 a year and this is the best I've done ever. I live within my means and always think about my actions. You must be conscience of all that you do. Do not lie to yourself as I had in my past, know and stand behind everything that you say and do baby. Be the beautiful person that I see you as. You're so sweet to everyone and even to Brady. He just turned four and loves you to pieces… I can only guess it's because how I talk about you to him. You two are so good to one another; so kind. These have been the best days of recent memory.

I feel that your mom took you from me to show me my tue self. I don't know the real reason. After that, it was up to me; become something more, something better than current self, or die.

I fought long and hard. I cried myself to sleep every night for almost a whole year. People thought I just moved on and forgot about you. That couldn't be further than the truth my love. My passion for my baby is so strong that I feel I could literally lift a car for you. As I lay next to you, your hand grasping, gently, my wrist, I type in my phone to release the pain of leaving you tomorrow. I had a panic attack last time when I visited. I was on the freeway and almost called the ambulance, but I would've missed my flight and was not able to pay if I had to.

 I live in a deep sadness. A deep dark depressive state that feels like a monster had grown from my pain and latched itself on to my soul. The thought of you frees me from this sadness, but because of the circumstances it's only temporary. This, of course, is not your fault. The most upset I'd ever be at you, would be if you thought otherwise. You mean the World to me Ava. I'd gladly give you my seat in Heaven at a moments notice. My heart and soul knows this to be true, but my physical form brings doubt and obscure feelings. This is why I believe that we are only renting these bodies, and that our soul is a composition of things yet discovered. You're everything I want to be and I hope you understand that in time.

It's now midnight, I'm soaked in sweat and tears, but I keep your little 4’ body snuggled next to mine. I don't care how hot I am. I love being in your presence.

I've never understood the feeling of nurturing and truly taking care of something before you. With you, I want to part the ocean, I want to fly to save you from a bruise, I want to move the Earth for you. Yet I cannot get myself to move to a State that possesses the worst memories, feelings, and pain I’ve felt. For this I feel as though I'm cowardly. But this is my burden, it should never be yours. You, my little angel, are the only signs that a higher power may exist.

I finish this letter knowing the test it will face. To preserve my memories, my thoughts, my feelings and promise you to do all that I can to help you be the best person you can be. It's time for Daddy to go to bed… I soon will roll over and cuddle you for the last night until two months from now, until I get to hold you in my arms again for only 48 hours. If love is equal to the amount of pain… I die in your arms each time we're together.

Love you, my beautiful daughter.

Daddy.

Life is a game that isn't worth playing around with.... but I wish to quit.