Coffee with a Borderline 1.2

Where were we...

{A beautiful sad mess. We see the world for what it is--without the veil}

I'm worried... So, nothing new.


Today I'm drinking a drip roasted Gavalia Medium roast with French Vanilla creamer. A tasty coffee blend but gives me a little bit of head pressure. Maybe some cannabis to counter...

I hate my job. I love my job. I can't describe it more perfectly. I realized I was avoiding certain behaviors and I think it may be due to connected nostalgic. I think my relationships fail after about the two-year mark, despite who I’m seeing. Maybe that’s why I don’t want to wake up. I find it unbearable to continue my current morning routine. I typically wake up minutes before I need to be some where and frantically get dressed, brush, pour coffee and leave. I found that this would help get me in the “go-go-go” mood and I’ll be ready for work. I’m discovering that I can’t handle the other people in the house, more specifically their mood. Ironic. I spent the last two years allowing my partner to have the whole morning to herself. When she wakes up, she’s mad. I just ask her, “why are you upset {she hates when I say she’s mad}, she raises her voice and says that she’s upset at the dog for waking her up and now she can’t go back to bed… It’s 6:23a. I think she just wants to see what I’m doing. Wondering if I’m masturbating or otherwise satisfying my own self. The thing is, I woke up to take care of the puppy, I’m usually never up, due to having to be around clashing morning moods. I realized, not too long ago, that I need to be alone. I need to separate myself from others. My fractured personality takes on those around me, especially the over-empathetic portion. I just wanted quiet time, time to write, to drink coffee, to reflect on what I call Positive Grounding. That’s where I wake up, strategically place myself in an environment that is calm, collected, organized, soothing, and positive. This has helped my day-to-day more than speaking to the Psychs at the local VA. It gives my mind a chance to formulate and put it’s necessary armor on and just provide enough time to establish a positive vibe.
Glang! Bang!
Pots, pans, and dishes aggressively being washed in the close by kitchen.
I enjoy the ambient sounds coming from the A/C unit, the fan in the dining room, and the fan in the hallway. All close together, depending on your current home. I know she’s upset at me. I know this because of her facial expressions, her body-language, and being privy to her liking of morning cuddles and sex. I don’t want to have sex. I don’t want to have sex with anyone. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror… She then takes it personal and huffs about the apartment. Interestingly enough, how do you suppose the mood would be if I dropped a hint that I just wanted to be alone in the morning like I’ve been able to provide her for the last two years? When I told her about me needing to wake up in the mornings with her to FINALLY get my act together and be prepared for the day, she stuttered a bit and said oh, ok. I was left, and still feel, that it didn’t make her happy. It’s difficult being this affected by personalities in proximity. I don’t mean to be mean, don’t intend to be rude, yet, I need to take care of myself. I know I’m selfish, I apologize for that. I just know that I have problems with being me. I must have the right environment in the morning for me, otherwise, I feel like I should just die and get it over with. The black and white viewpoint is hard to accept when you know it’s just a knee-jerk response, but just because you see the problem, doesn’t mean you can just effing fix it. I’m just now waking up and getting to work on time…. It’s been years since I was on time!

Sip of coffee…. Mmmmm… luke warm…. Bar Keep! More coffee please…. Shit, that’s me. Damn.

Shower’s over, she walks from the bathroom to the bedroom. I know she’s mad at me. I can feel it. It’s all I can think about. I can’t write about anything else I wanted to, because now she’s pissed and it’s because I chose to take the dog out to potty and stayed up to have coffee and write to you. It’s very difficult to foreshadow my life with repeating negatives like this.
I prefer to be quiet. Though I talk more than anyone. I grew up watching, waiting, being afraid of everyone and everything. I feel forced to talk, I feel forced to step up where I see slacking. If someone needs to be tough, I step up. If someone needs to be direct, I step up. If someone needs a hug or a few words, I step up and provide what’s needed. However, when I’m alone, when I’m not influenced by the masses, I’m…. Ronin.
If you see me, you’ll see smiles. You’ll hear a higher pitched voice, sped up tempo and I usually insert multiple compliments when we speak. Unless I view you as an asshole, then I joke with you and make you feel it. My honest personality is kind and quiet. I wear so many hats, I can’t even think of which character to be right now. I jump from nice to mean. I feel myself swaying back and forth on the spectrum. I can feel myself give into the those around me. Due to this, I typically avoid any and all social norms. I can see it all play out, almost immediately entering the room, shop, or whatever. I see them, like ants. The whole thing is like a big game of cause and effect. I walk into the coffee shop, scan the people, scan the surroundings, and watch as if I’m not even Human. I’m a ghost, a vampire that’s seen on TV where he walks through a small crowd and they all display desire, anger, or whatever they’re feeling. I see it, I manipulate it, I insert the right word into a conversation and see what happens. I manipulate people. I manipulate people to be positive when they’re around me, I can’t take it if they’re mean. I shut off, my armor goes on, I become what they can’t fathom. I’m suddenly thinking about killing everyone in the room. A hand-to-hand battle royal. The room shrinks, I make note of people around me, who will I hit first, where, what will their reaction be? Will the person fall left or right, how fast can I strike each person… “Hi how may I help you” … The barista calls out to me. I reply, “sorry, hahaha, I was daydreaming, I’d love a tall mocha, no whip please”. I make sure to insert kind words and apologies as to not ruffle any feathers, also this forces me to throw the opposite feeling out there, so I may gauge the attitudes around me. I fear of having to do what my mind wants me to do, defend myself.
Now my partner is getting fully dressed, brushing teeth, showering, pants on… shit, all I wanted to do was relax with the early morning sun light. I didn’t want to hear you making all this damn noise, all this attitude being thrown around the apartment. I just want to be alone. I’m now feeling sadness. I have a hard time not taking everything personally. I have an even more difficult time seeing past the negative; I feel that this is the mood I’ll be in the whole day. I used to get upset and go lay in my bed…. The whole fucking day. I don’t do that now, well last weekend I did a little…. Cannabis helps me stay positive.
That turned into a screaming match. She started yelling at the dog, I told her she doesn’t need to be upset, then whoa! I got screamed at for not allowing her to be herself, that I just want to be alone and that she can’t stand being in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want to be with her. WTF. I now get to spend my morning trying not to spin into depression or anger. I can already tell this day is going to be shitty. I will most likely now just sit and avoid people in my apartment. Awesome.